Published On: Tue, Nov 6th, 2012

How You Know Kids Have Ruined Your Sex Life

Danielle Mantakoul

Cake or sex… cake or sex… cake or seHow You Know Kids Have Ruined Your Sex Lifex… If it took you three times to ask yourself that question before you came to a conclusion AND you chose the sex, then you probably have no children. For many of us, nasties such as chocolate after childbirth increasingly becomes our new sex life. It’s sweet, satisfies every time and has no complaints about lack of interest.

The fact that having a baby changes every aspect of our lives is an understatement. Sex is one area that greatly suffers once that bundle enters the door, and as cute as it may be, it can be a killer to your sex life. Here are some signs you may have missed that tell you, your kids are ruining your sex life.

  • You are wearing your husband’s undies because they are more comfortable.
  • You no longer get the punch line in sex jokes.
  • Vocalisation is a no no. The cot is simply too close to the bed or that hallway is just not long enough.
  •  “Child free time” are your new “get excited” words.
  • The saying “middle man” now has a whole new meaning, especially in bed.
  • Your bikini line for the best part of the month is non existent, and as for shaving your legs, well…
  • Sleep has now become so precious, no longer is that midnight wakeup welcoming, and can land him a floppy hand in the face, or a response that will make   him think he is sleeping next to the exorcist.
  •  Your bed buddy is now much shorter and around 30 years younger.
  • Don’t kiss me! I haven’t brushed my teeth in 24 hours! I think.
  • Your night time entertainment has now become a book about some kid called Max running around an island with monsters, or that caterpillar that stuffs his face.
  • Your hubby feels he has handed his all booby rights and unlimited access card to the baby.
  • A kiss goodnight, really does mean a kiss goodnight… and is now on the forehead.
  • Your once carefully designed bedroom, your space to encourage intimacy, is now littered with the copious amounts of baby items you now need within easy reach at 3 in the morning.
  • Baby induced stretch marks, cellulite. Nothing a large nighty won’t take care of.
  • Your husband develops Penis Minded Symptoms or PMS. Where they are so deprived of sex all they can think about is sex. Men with this condition are grumpy to say the least.
  • Your husband out of sexual frustration, now throws more tantrums than your two year old.
  • You have developed the ears of a rabbit when having sex. No little person is going to walk in on you and be traumatised for the rest of their lives.
  •  You’re asleep even before the storyline is actually revealed. Yes they have story lines in those movies these days!
  • The only toys in your house are now made by Fisher Price or Playskool.
  • Foreplay is now a luxury item.
  • You envisage everyone else is having sex but you…. and him of course.
  • That wifely duty niggles at you like a chore, you know, like getting those windows cleaned.
  • You put on weight. Chocolate has become your new lover. Its sweet, satisfies every time and has no complaints about a lack of interest.

(This article is for entertainment purposes only)

By Danielle Mantakoul
Mummy Weekly Copyright 2012

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